Replacements

This is not really a topic I tend to touch on all to much...
In fact I avoid it at all cost.
I've been a social outcast since January. That's 8 months.
It's amazing how fast time seems to go by, but yup.

These past few days I'm learning that I'm wearing thin the few friendships and outlets I have.
I don't think my head is on straight just yet, or maybe I'm just over thinking certain aspects of my day to day. But without a proper group or person to vent to, well guess what I'll do: use the internet as an outlet.
I know these kind of statements are vague and they may not make too much sense, but they help clear up some of the clutter in my head.

I'm not the best at dealing with certain aspects of my friendships, and lately It's the feeling of being replaced.

One year older.

So...

It's my Birthday week and I thought I'd share a few photos.
For the first time in months I feel like a normal person, and it seems I may have (if just for a second) struck a balance between a social life, work, and training.

Thank you to all those friends, new and old, who made me feel like a bit of a person.

Monday Night.

Wednesday showcased the 1st Cross Practice of the season. Great turnout. And it seems like my legs weren't feeling too bad. Practice was followed by ice cream with some of the best people I know. If anyone is interested in the Central NJ CX Practices click here.

At the start...

and the warm-down lap.

As for the rest of the week I'll be racing Bear Creek CX in PA this Sunday. It will be the first race of the season and I can't wait. I'll be heading up with 3 other folks from the Rutgers University Cycling Team and am looking forward to see how the day ends up. I'm registered for the 3/4 Race and depending on how I feel I may register for the 2/3/4 race as well. More updates to come.

CX is a Go!

Alright,

So it's been a while and you all are wondering where the hell did I go?
Still working.
Finally training like I should be.
And Hiding from everyone as usual.

But for now lets take the time to say goodbye to Triathlon Season...
and hello to Cyclocross.

Same old frameset with some new parts.

The front end.


The rear.

9-5...

It's 2am.
I'm at work.

Yes... work as in the place that pays my bills.
I'm becoming a firm believer that people can only have so many quality outlets at once.
What I mean by that is, we all have a limit to how many things we can do at once and still make them worth while. Lately (aka. the past 6 months) work has been a big part of my life. More-so than the average 9-5 that most people hate to go to every morning. I actually have become pretty committed to my job. I've put in long hours, showed I cared about more than just myself, and hopefully made some of my co-workers feel like than can count on me if something ever went down. I've gotten raises, gotten promotions, and because of that become more committed.

So here I am. 2 am. Not going home tonight.
I'll probably sleep on the store pool tonight.
From what I've been told the pool cover makes it feel like a water bed.
I just hope it doesn't collapse. Drowning would suck.
I wonder if drowning is covered by workers-comp?

Mmmm.... water bed.

Humor.

I have terrible taste. Period.
Yes I do. I have terrible taste in pretty much anything and everything.
These past few weekends I've been traveling from race to race and then to Lake Placid for a 3 day training camp. So what the hell does this have to do with humor you ask? Well...
It forced me to be around people and the longer I'm around them, the more likely they will be either offended or appalled by my sense of humor.

Not to say I'm completely offset, rather my taste in what's funny is not what most people consider to be. Some people find stand up comics or little practical jokes funny. I find humor in tragedy.

It's not a coping mechanism, I genuinely love the things that make most people VERY uncomfortable. So from this past few weeks I could post up a bunch of spandex photos or race shots where I look better than I actually am. But rather I have a picture which ended up being one of the highlights of my Lake Placid trip. This one is a gem!


This is a picture of a girl who appears to have decided her doll would be best served hanging from a pink noose. She threw her off of her 2nd floor hotel room and proceeded to beat her with a stick. I took a picture. I couldn't stop smiling for an hour. My roommate from the trip was appalled with my behavior. I'm smiling just writing this. Humor.

Xantusia.

I’m slowly learning that there are 2 kinds of people in this world. Some dream of city life and can only see themselves living in the “Big City.” Wherever he or she may be from, there are always the lights of urban metropolis calling them in. The other type of person sees the city lights and feels crowded. They hope to be able to run away from it all and find some quite place where they can calm their minds, to enjoy the silence. This past weekend I was able to travel to a quite place in the desert of California, aptly named “Xantusia.” This is a place, or better put a paradise, located in the middle of nowhere. No cars, no streetlights, no horns, nothing. You wake up and you see a place that you can’t even put into words. From where I come people only experience places like this in post cards; maybe the newest issue of Travel Magazine.

I am quickly realizing that I’m becoming a person who values calm. Growing up in an urban area all my life has made me appreciate the beauty that a place like “nowhere” can bring.

Xantusia, I’ll see you again soon.

The place I called home for 2 days

Monty's House

The kind of riding that can take your breath away

A trail run with Dan Empfield, founder of Slowtwitch.com and Quintana Roo

“…That’s the dark side of Hampi.”

Training. It’s a pretty simple concept that I find myself writing more and more about as the weeks go by. In fact, it’s all I write about. All I think about. Every second of every day I find myself making a conscious decision to focus on one thing and one thing only: training. At this point I’m not even sure what I’m training for. Of course, yes, racing, and Ironman, and blah blah. But what is it really.

Over the past few days I think I’ve began to get a grasp on myself again. I starting to reflect on certain things in my day to day, and am realizing the roles each person and activity plays. Back to training.

In December of 2005, a man who had never met wrote the words: ‘This is your therapy.” He was referring to the sport of triathlon. All of it. The good, the bad, the interactions, the experiences and everything in between. 3 years later I find my lucky enough to call him my friend. In fact, I think he was the one to use the term first. He was right. This is my therapy and I am his friend. I run 18-mile runs and bike 100+ miles at a time and swim till I want to vomit. I hurt myself only to rebuild something. Not to make myself a better athlete, but to make myself a better person. To make sense of myself. To take my mind, which is thinking of a million things a second, and force it to focus on something simple. Something I know I can do well. Anyone who thinks I have it figured out is absolutely out of his or her minds! I’m a complete mess when it comes to things, most things.

So is this healthy? Is it proper? Self absorbed? Self-destructive? Sure, it’s all of the above. I grow because of it and I damage myself just the same. So why do it? Because one cannot pick and choose. One has to take the good and bad together.

A few years ago sports had a very different purpose. They kept me close with people. They made a culture for me, a place to call home. Today they seem to isolate me more and more. However I am becoming more and more aware that this is a result of my choices and actions. And if I expect it to change, another choice is what it takes.

There is a fine line between an unhealthy distraction and an outlet. I am not the first person to walk the gray area between the two, but I am starting to remember what this was all about.